The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
