Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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