I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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