wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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