I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize