I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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