I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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