Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A+ Viking dick
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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