my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
