I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
