guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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