remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
