my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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