if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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