I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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