No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
