Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Im part way to drunk.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize