we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
