I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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