I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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