I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
