Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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