Just fell off a train. Bad.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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