A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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