He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
