he shaved USA in his pubs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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