she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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