The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
