ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You took a bar mat shot.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
