I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
