you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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