note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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