I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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