I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
