tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
