That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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