I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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