when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
