Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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