You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
