i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
