Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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