i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.