Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.