I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
