i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
