I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
