Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
