You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
