After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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