OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He passed out mid-signature
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
