if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
MIDGETS
????
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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