he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
