I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
