So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
