I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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