I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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